I’ve just had my bum measured for a new bicycle saddle. Hah! Having suffered from saddle soreness afer the first 35 miles each cycle-day, and having tried a variety of saddles, cycle shorts and creams. I realise that most of the problem is due to the setup of my bike. I love my Dawes Super Galaxy, and she’s taken me many thousands of hilly miles since I bought her in 1997. However, it seems the cycle shop sold me a bike too big. An easy test I’ve discovered this year is to stand aside the crossbar. You should have an inch clearance. I’d have to have major surgery to have any clearance. My generous wife (the one with all the money) said I can have a new bike for my 60th birthday this Guy Fawkes day. Being a positive chap I don’t just celebrate a single day per year; I have birthday week, month and in this case the whole year, and probably next year too! So I ordered a brand new Dawes Ultra Galaxy, the bees knees of touring cycling – well one of them, Cannondale are ace too. But I don’t want the Brooks B17 leather saddle that comes with it. There are many keen cyclists who love the Brooks. They suffer through the early miles of softening-in the hard leather and then swear they are the best saddles ever. Maybe, but as a veggie I don’t want to ride miles or metres on a dead animal. Also there’s been many new technologies in saddles taking particular notice of our tender regions. So I was pleased when in ordering a Specialized Atavar Gel saddle the shop lad said: “Hang on there, Sir, while I fetch our measuring equipment.”
Sir? It brought back teaching memories.
Measuring equipment? Am I that much of a lardy? Yes, probably. He brings a rectangular plate, puts it on the stairs in the showroom (great place, The Bike Factory in Chester) and tells me to park my bum with my knees bent up. I have to sit there for a minimum of a minute for the memory in the gel to get to know my pelvis. He goes off to serve another customer, and a couple of kids stick their spotty faces around a corner at me.
“What ya doing, mister?”
“I’m having a rest.”
“Why?”
“To save my energy.”
“Why?”
“So when I’m ready I can pounce on children and eat them.” I expected them to laugh sarcastically but they panicked and ran out of the shop.
“You can get up now, Sir.” So I did as I was told and lo, there was my bum impression. My eye caught a shapely woman customer and I wondered if the gel also had her bottom impressed, and that would be our two bum memories mingling… Stop it.
He expertly measured the relevant section and informed me my sitbones distance was 140mm. Sorted.
On my way out, I spotted that shapely woman again. She had two boys with her and they both pointed at me. I about turned and marched as fast as my 140mm would take me.
